Friday, August 5, 2011


It's been a while since I had inspiration to write anything, but as usual in my life something comes along which nudges the old braincell into gear.
This time it was the result of a shopping trip with my son and daughter. We went to a shop called Jula which sells everything from mopeds to clothes pegs. A bit like the old country stores, but on a larger scale, and with a wider inventory.

Whilst there I remembered that the wife had been nagging me that I needed more socks. You see, in my job , with bits of hot metal flying about, holes appear in every part of clothing. Even in sensitive areas, but that's a thought for the future which I don't dare venture near.

Anyway, back to the socks....  I just don't do laundry. I open the drawer, take out a pair of socks, and that is the end of my involvement with my sock drawer. So if she said I needed socks, who was I to argue.

I hadn't really thought about this very much until I walked into the toilet tonight to have a shower, clutching in my hand a brand new pair of socks. Here's the thoughts which rattled through my old grey matter whilst I enjoyed my shower:

Da wife hed sharged fir twartree monts dat socks I wis needin,
dat whit I hed wir wearin oot, bit I gae her little heedin.
Dan just last ook I cam atil a shop dat selt sic sam,
an mindin whit shö'd telt tae me I set upö a plan.

I tocht dat I'd be clever, fir her I laek ta plaes,
an buy mesell a lok o socks ta cover up me taes.
An jöst ta mak tings better I bocht mony pairs da sam,
so matchin is nae budder, even tae a man.

So wins I haem an tries ta pit da socks atil da drawer
bit da drawer is stappit tae da lugs, an damn near brimmin ower.
Dis med me staand an winder if da wife wis lost her wit,
Tellin me ta buy socks whan dir mair plentifil dan sh*t.

Bit, "na" shö says, "A'm no doitin, I ken du haes a lok",
bit skoit a peerie scaur harder an du'll jöst fin single socks.
So fae her winderfil biddin, I took da drawer upö da fluir,
wailed an sorted aa I fan, an tallied up da score.

Ower twinty pair o wirsit socks, an dey wir aa i grey,
fifteen pairs dat a'll no wear fir dey lookit brawly gay.
An dan da silly Simpson's socks dat I canna bal awey,
da bairns gae dem ta me, a'll keep dem tae me deein day.

Aa an aa atil dat drawer I fan fifty fower hael pair,
so noo I hae a tocht dat I wid laek ta shaer.
Whin neest dy wife tells dee dat dy sock drawer's wearin low
Tak him oot, wail him trow, dan tell her whaur ta go.

Yun's aa
Auld Rasmie.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Transvestite Tuesday

Anybody with connections to Shetland will know about Up Helly Aa.
But for anybody who doesn't know anything about this strange little island group which has it's roots set firmly in a viking past, the Up Helly Aa fire festival is a weird and wonderful example of how people can transform from normal human beings, into complete idiots, for one night of the year.
It's unique, extreme, fantastic, unbelievable,  etc.. etc..
And in some strange way the Up Helly Aa festival is actually brillitant.

I had a look at this event from a poetic point of view a couple of years ago, and came up with this little verse. Sadly written in English,,, I was having a 'bad' language day. ;)

Transvestite Tuesday

Men dressed up as women
Cross dressers one and all
Parading through the streets
Then visiting every hall.

How can the law allow this
It flies in the face of reason
I’m sure that in good old England
This would be viewed as treason.

But late in January every year
This amazing sight exists
Most likely caused by the fact
That all the men are pissed.

But booze aside there’s no excuse
For such wanton bad behavior
Their drunken acts will fair them ill
When they come to meet their savior.

They claim that all these high jinks
Are just an old tradition
But it’s clearly just a cover
For their transvestite ambition.

Folk flock in droves to see it
And tell of what they saw
At Shetland’s Famous festival
Lerwick Up Helly-Aa.

Auld Rasmie

For more about this years Lerwick Up Helly Aa festival, which happens on 25th January, keep an eye on the main page of Shetlopedia which will be updated with pictures and links as soon as they are available.

Onywye, yun's aa fir enoo.